I Killed Her Houseplants

Richie Crowley
5 min readMay 31, 2019

Yes, houseplants. Plural. All 4 of them.

Made by RICKiRICKi with Midjourney

It’s March 10th, the recycling bin is full with broken down Amazon boxes, mismatched sets of tableware fill kitchen cabinets and our jeans are spattered with paint droplets. “Oh, sh*t these are stylish now.” Anyway, you’ve been there.

Then she says “let’s go get some plants” which to me sounds like an opportunity for a Sweetgreen salad and a Kombucha.

“Deal, let’s go”

I see that the florist is only .7 miles away on Google Maps and get nervous we won’t pass by my desires, but we do, and we use this snack to set our strategy.

  • How much do we want to spend?
  • How much time do we want to take care of these plants?
  • How many should we get?

Business plans have been less thought-out than this napkin strategy. We agree to get 4:

And with the sound of the “remove card now” reminder, we became parents.

For those of you who don’t know, parenting plants is unlike children. I don’t have children so I can’t be entirely sure, BUT, these plants never disrupted a night of sleep, and I left them home alone from the start.

We were instructed that the care for these plants was very lightweight: water them weekly with enough water to seep into the saucer dish, drain the dish after 30 minutes, keep indoors with indirect and direct light, and they’ll be ok.

Now, at this point in the story, one may recall the title of this tale and question my abilities for pretty much anything because I failed to follow an elementary 3 part check-list. Chewing gum has been more complicated than my plant-parental duties. But, I ask you not to snicker, but to be impressed. Impressed at how one can so quickly kill 4 plants. *My first of three jokes

It’s embarrassing, but let me tell you what happened.

About a week ago, it was a gorgeous sunny Los Angeles day in the mid 80’s and I decided the plants needed some real Vitamin D. So, I moved them outside into direct sunlight, and I soaked them.

Richie Crowley

Slowly building an audience by publishing original thoughts and ideas only when I have something of quality to say.